i havent been on here for so long… i have tons of stuff to tell, but nowhere to start…
ive been sick lately, i have some sort of infection, they said its like a sinus infection, but not… i dunno… they gave me some meds for it, but it turns out that im allergic to that type of antibiotic… so im all rash like… and im apparently allergic to shellfish also… i had crab and my lips swelled… 
im still a hopeful on SG… i shot another set in january and my photog is photoshopping it…
me and the ex are now friends… and he wrote me a note on the inside of a cigarette carton saying “hey now, i love you”… if you know me, you know that i love how cig packs smell… =/ so, he was actually being nice… 
i love that kid, seriously…
school is up again… im taking real classes!!… english and child development… along with photo 101, sculpture, and drawing… drawing is really interesting… we draw from a nude model… and in sculpture we are doing a self portrait bust… yikes… =/
well, its getting late… but i’ll be sure to update this more often…
muah!
I am officially a Suicide Girl Hopeful… My set didn’t get accepted, but it’s now up on the Hopeful’s page…
Everyone is so nice… SG has the best community ever… I’m so happy to finally be apart of it…
yay me!!<333
“All On Black”
-Alkaline Trio-
I put it all on black, no color you’re all dressed in
And a stab in the back left you bleeding on the floor
And I’m mourning the death, the recent passing of your insides
I smile in regret every time I think of how I spoke to you
I put it all in back of my mind where I hold you
I’m just trying to keep track how far back it really goes
And I’m living in lack of the blood sent from the heavens
I’m just trying to relax as the killer’s waiting right outside my door
What’s black and white?
What’s read all over?
This tired book, this organ donor
Sweet blasphemy, my giving tree
It hasn’t rained in years
I bring to you this sacrificial offering of virgin ears
Leave it to me, I remain free from all the comforts of home
And where that is, I’m pleased as piss to say, I’ll never really know
I put them all in black, the four walls of my bedroom
And I trimmed them in red, peeled your picture off the wall
And I’m living in lack of the blood sent from your heartbeat
That arrived in your neck every time I salivated over you
What’s upside down?
What’s coated in silver?
This crucifix is my four leaf clover
Sweet blasphemy, my giving tree
It hasn’t rained in years
I bring to you this sacrificial offering of virgin ears
Leave it to me, I remain free from all the comforts of home
And where that is, I’m pleased as piss to say, I’ll never really know
One of these days, it’s gonna catch up to you
Throwing looks like those around
One of these nights, I promise to you
I’ll soon be sleeping sound
As soon as I leave town
(favorite song)<333
i went to the new doctor today… told him everything hat goes down… and he thinks my hashimotothyroiditis (or however you spell it) is causing all of it… the weight gain, the breathing spasms, the heart pains, dizziness, everything… ugh… and its not cureable, just… treatable?… so, yes, going to be on medication forever… because he said it will cause alot more difficult problems with my health in the future… boo on that…
so, i had to get more blood drawn… all those stupid tests… but at least he was honest as to why i got so fat… ive been feeling hideous lately from the weightgain and whatnot… looked in the mirror and almost threwup…
anyway…. thats my dctor update…<333
Well, lately… i’ve just been here. around. zombie like. im… content. i have nothing to say. im just… aware. barely. i guess. i dont know anymore…
i miss love. i miss the laughter. i need a new friend.
anyway. friday. did the photoshoot. came out pretty good. it was fun. turned everything in. we will see.
its that time for new class signup again… no clue what i am gonna take. ugh.
<33
my doggie is officially blind… :[
she runs into everything, and today... she was trying to sniff around outside on the patio and fell right off the stairs... it was so sad... and she got scared and confused i think, and started going in circles because she couldnt figure out where our voices were coming from... :[ so i had to pick her up and carry her inside... sadness.
Things have been weird lately... I can't even explain it... blerg... but on a good note, i messaged my friend, who i havent spoken to since the summer before college, and she messaged back... i was so happy to hear from her... i dont even know what happened with is... she was my bestie, my sis, in high school... im just glad she messaged me back... i really miss her... a lot a lot...
im sleepy, i just downloaded a bunch of Alkaline trio songs... ima put them on my ipod nd hit the hay... :]
<333
So, I went to the doctor again… And I apparently have anxiety issues that is making my heart and lungs go crazy… He thought it was my thyroid again, but it wasn’t?… I dunno, I have to go back to the Endocrinologist, or however you spell it, so they can check all that stuff… Blerg. I got a pretty kick ass red inhaler though for when I freak myself out and can’t breath…
Oh yeah, I also have depression… Tragic right?… haha… I’m just one big fucking mess aren’t I?… My body knew it, it just gave up on Thursday, I just wanted to lay there and not breath or do anything… I’m pretty sure that is what we call a nervous/mental breakdown… I should have saw that one coming…
Also, a couple blogs down I said that Blue Eyes broke me down… True… But the sad thing is, I’ll always like him… And I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately… Maybe that’s why my mind and body broke down… I can’t stop thinking about him, and it sucks… Because I don’t want to… I’m never going to see him again… And I think that’s a good thing…
Oh yeah! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
<333
Saturday was my friend Nich’s 20th birthday… And him being the Halloween whore he is, decided we go to the Corn Maze and Haunted House… It was sooo much fun, random people kept wanting to take pics of us, because we were all dressed in costumes… Me being a slutty Alice in Wonderland, haha… ((Hey, its my one time I actually dress whore-ish, haha))… So, we go into the Haunted House first, so damn hot in there, body heat out of control… Our friend Alfonso had this crazy latex mask on, and was scaring all of us, it was funny…
Then we went into the maze… And I swear we were in there for like 4 hours, haha… We got lost so many times… We were apparently going in circles… I think its because we made only left turns, haha… Then we all got split up into about 3 or 4 mini groups because I cut through the corn thinking it was gonna lead me to the front of the group… and three people followed me… Nope! We ended up in this completely new section, haha…
Anyway, after we left the maze around 12am(?) we went to In N Out, where it felt like I was in a zoo because everyone kept staring at us… People are lame… After that, we went to Nich’s house and just lounged around his garage and played Apples to Apples… One of the more fun card games I have ever played… and around 3am-ish I was back home…
My heart and lungs hurt so bad yesterday and this morning… My voice is all scratchy… Throat hurts… I think it was worth it though… haha… But I feel like a horrible person… I like a friend, but he has a gf who is also my friend… And I feel like a total cow about it… ugh… Whenever I like someone, its always the wrong person or wrong time, or both!… I suck. :[ And it doesnt help that he flirts with me… And we all know I was born a fucking flirt… grr.
what am I to do with myself?… Sleep.
<333
No sets today. The BF and GF got into an argument, and I won’t dare shoot while people are angry. It shows up in the pictures. So, maybe next week. I guess it’s better anyhow… Considering my chest still mega hurts.
Well, I started taking my medicine today… And I realized why I stopped taking it before:
- It makes my throat feel weird
- I feel like I have to throw up every five minutes
- I actually sometimes do throw up
- I get either super sleepy or wide awake
- I get really hungry, but can’t eat
- I don’t want food at all
blerg… plus I just don’t want to do anything. Poo on medicine…
<333
I haven’t been feeling well, obviously… And I’m shooting a set tomorrow, and participating in two… One alone and one with another person… I had already done a Suicide Girl set, but the lighting was bad. So those weren’t exepted. I hope my illness doesn’t affect the look of the set.
Yikes, I hope everything will look alright… Hopefully no puffy eyes, haha.
And hopefully the pictures look good, and they will get accepted… I hope!<333
