i went to the new doctor today… told him everything hat goes down… and he thinks my hashimotothyroiditis (or however you spell it) is causing all of it… the weight gain, the breathing spasms, the heart pains, dizziness, everything… ugh… and its not cureable, just… treatable?… so, yes, going to be on medication forever… because he said it will cause alot more difficult problems with my health in the future… boo on that…

so, i had to get more blood drawn… all those stupid tests… but at least he was honest as to why i got so fat… ive been feeling hideous lately from the weightgain and whatnot… looked in the mirror and almost threwup…

anyway…. thats my dctor update…<333

So, I went to the doctor again… And I apparently have anxiety issues that is making my heart and lungs go crazy… He thought it was my thyroid again, but it wasn’t?… I dunno, I have to go back to the Endocrinologist, or however you spell it, so they can check all that stuff… Blerg. I got a pretty kick ass red inhaler though for when I freak myself out and can’t breath…

Oh yeah, I also have depression… Tragic right?… haha… I’m just one big fucking mess aren’t I?… My body knew it, it just gave up on Thursday, I just wanted to lay there and not breath or do anything… I’m pretty sure that is what we call a nervous/mental breakdown… I should have saw that one coming…

Also, a couple blogs down I said that Blue Eyes broke me down… True… But the sad thing is, I’ll always like him… And I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately… Maybe that’s why my mind and body broke down… I can’t stop thinking about him, and it sucks… Because I don’t want to… I’m never going to see him again… And I think that’s a good thing…

Oh yeah! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

<333

No sets today. The BF and GF got into an argument, and I won’t dare shoot while people are angry. It shows up in the pictures. So, maybe next week. I guess it’s better anyhow… Considering my chest still mega hurts.

Well, I started taking my medicine today… And I realized why I stopped taking it before:

1. It makes my throat feel weird
2. I feel like I have to throw up every five minutes
3. I actually sometimes do throw up
4. I get either super sleepy or wide awake
5. I get really hungry, but can’t eat
6. I don’t want food at all

blerg… plus I just don’t want to do anything. Poo on medicine…

<333

today i was rushed to my doctor… heart, chest, lung pain… outta control… I had an EKG, was hooked up to all these crazy plugs… And they took a bunch of blood… I told me grampa that they took my soul… but

thats when i realized more things about myself:

• I hate hospitals
• I gained seven pounds since March
• I also grew an inch
• I am now 5′3″
• I did this to myself
• I will be on medication forever now

 That’s what I know… My thyroid has gone bonkers… And this is where I ended up. Do you pray?… Give a little shout to Jesus for me…<333

I’ve been feeling worse and worse as these months go by… My heart and lungs seem to want to give up any day now… Today I did not go to my classes. My chest hurts so bad. My heart feels like it is jumping inside of me. And my lungs are acting as if they do not want to expand anymore. My organs have gone lazy on me… I did not go to school because I’m afraid that walking up 5 sets of stairs would make my heart just go insane. How shitty is that?… To be afraid of having a heart attack in a college… Fuck that.

And it has come to my attention, more than once I should mention, that I put up walls and barriers between myself and others… Yes, I am aware of what I do… I do not trust people. If I do not know you very well, I will not let my guard down. And, yes, I do joke a lot… Yes, it can be hard to tell when I am serious… But you will know. And if anyone finds that annoying, you will not like me. We will not be friends. End of story. I am who I am.

I am bitter. I am a bitch. And I’ll probably die before you. I’ve decided to stop caring.

<333