today i was rushed to my doctor… heart, chest, lung pain… outta control… I had an EKG, was hooked up to all these crazy plugs… And they took a bunch of blood… I told me grampa that they took my soul… but

thats when i realized more things about myself:

• I hate hospitals
• I gained seven pounds since March
• I also grew an inch
• I am now 5′3″
• I did this to myself
• I will be on medication forever now

 That’s what I know… My thyroid has gone bonkers… And this is where I ended up. Do you pray?… Give a little shout to Jesus for me…<333

Contrary to belief, I do not think I am hardcore. I do put up a barrier, yes. But…

What I do know is this:

• I do not trust
• I do not lie
• I do not think I am anything I am not
• I like to dance
• I like to sing
• I am bipolar
• I am depressed
• I am recovering
• I am heartbroken
• I am sick
• I am tragic
• I am a fairytale
• I am what you like
• I am what you love
• I am what you hate
• I love to laugh
• I hate to cry
• I will not let my guard down
• I keep candy stashed under my pillow
• I have an obese cat that I adore and hate
• I am constantly changing
• I am a girl
• I am very chubby
• I have a thyroid problem that makes me that way
• I refuse to take medicine
• I have heart issues realated to said thyroid problem
• I could have a heart attack any day now
• I am in constant pain
• I can hide that from you
• I hate my look
• I love my hair
• I love the fact that I have freckles only on the right side of my face
• I hate the fact that the other side has none
• I regret one thing
• I love love
• I still love him, too much, and I hate that
• I miss his hugs and kisses
• I miss love
• I would die without music
• I love my family
• I like being naked
• I have been hurt more than words can say
• I am nineteen
• I am a beautiful fucking disaster

 And that is what I know…<333

I’ve been feeling worse and worse as these months go by… My heart and lungs seem to want to give up any day now… Today I did not go to my classes. My chest hurts so bad. My heart feels like it is jumping inside of me. And my lungs are acting as if they do not want to expand anymore. My organs have gone lazy on me… I did not go to school because I’m afraid that walking up 5 sets of stairs would make my heart just go insane. How shitty is that?… To be afraid of having a heart attack in a college… Fuck that.

And it has come to my attention, more than once I should mention, that I put up walls and barriers between myself and others… Yes, I am aware of what I do… I do not trust people. If I do not know you very well, I will not let my guard down. And, yes, I do joke a lot… Yes, it can be hard to tell when I am serious… But you will know. And if anyone finds that annoying, you will not like me. We will not be friends. End of story. I am who I am.

I am bitter. I am a bitch. And I’ll probably die before you. I’ve decided to stop caring.

<333