i havent been on here for so long… i have tons of stuff to tell, but nowhere to start…

ive been sick lately, i have some sort of infection, they said its like a sinus infection, but not… i dunno… they gave me some meds for it, but it turns out that im allergic to that type of antibiotic… so im all rash like… and im apparently allergic to shellfish also… i had crab and my lips swelled…

im still a hopeful on SG… i shot another set in january and my photog is photoshopping it…

me and the ex are now friends… and he wrote me a note on the inside of  a cigarette carton saying “hey now, i love you”… if you know me, you know that i love how cig packs smell… =/ so, he was actually being nice… i love that kid, seriously…

school is up again… im taking real classes!!… english and child development… along with photo 101, sculpture, and drawing… drawing is really interesting… we draw from a nude model… and in sculpture we are doing a self portrait bust… yikes… =/

well, its getting late… but i’ll be sure to update this more often…

muah!

i went to the new doctor today… told him everything hat goes down… and he thinks my hashimotothyroiditis (or however you spell it) is causing all of it… the weight gain, the breathing spasms, the heart pains, dizziness, everything… ugh… and its not cureable, just… treatable?… so, yes, going to be on medication forever… because he said it will cause alot more difficult problems with my health in the future… boo on that…

so, i had to get more blood drawn… all those stupid tests… but at least he was honest as to why i got so fat… ive been feeling hideous lately from the weightgain and whatnot… looked in the mirror and almost threwup…

anyway…. thats my dctor update…<333

Contrary to belief, I do not think I am hardcore. I do put up a barrier, yes. But…

What I do know is this:

• I do not trust
• I do not lie
• I do not think I am anything I am not
• I like to dance
• I like to sing
• I am bipolar
• I am depressed
• I am recovering
• I am heartbroken
• I am sick
• I am tragic
• I am a fairytale
• I am what you like
• I am what you love
• I am what you hate
• I love to laugh
• I hate to cry
• I will not let my guard down
• I keep candy stashed under my pillow
• I have an obese cat that I adore and hate
• I am constantly changing
• I am a girl
• I am very chubby
• I have a thyroid problem that makes me that way
• I refuse to take medicine
• I have heart issues realated to said thyroid problem
• I could have a heart attack any day now
• I am in constant pain
• I can hide that from you
• I hate my look
• I love my hair
• I love the fact that I have freckles only on the right side of my face
• I hate the fact that the other side has none
• I regret one thing
• I love love
• I still love him, too much, and I hate that
• I miss his hugs and kisses
• I miss love
• I would die without music
• I love my family
• I like being naked
• I have been hurt more than words can say
• I am nineteen
• I am a beautiful fucking disaster

 And that is what I know…<333

 i want to see this sooooo badly… it looks amazing… i love the beatles… kinda nervous to see if they butcher the songs though…

Wes Anderson is an amazing writeer/director… i love all his movies… and i can’t for this one… im not like a Wes junkie or anything, dont know much about him, but i have all his movies… so i cant wait to see this…

 <333

man vs woman = fun

man vs man = gay

woman vs woman = awesome

man vs pillow = crazy

pillow vs pillow = crazy awesome

thats a real pillow fight right there… when you see two pillows fighting, you know something is going down… they’re designed for relaxation… if they’re fighting, what hope do we have?…

i love demetri martin… <333

On Thursday when we developed our 4×5 negatives, we had to do it in this pitch black room… it was crazy… so it was me, miles, charles, and jesi… in this tiny room… add awkward silences here…. lol… anyway, we started to make small chit chat… favorite movies, shows, all that jazz… then me and jesi were talking about the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we just ate… then this voice in the darkness says “FUCK JELLY!”… i have never laughed so hard… it was hilarious to me for some reason, that miles would have such a strong hatred of jelly that he would yell into the darkness “fuck jelly”… so, we decided that he was a Smucker’s taste tester when he was a child, and he was that one tester out of the five that didnt like it, haha… but it was good fun… then we were talking about movies… Heavyweights led to Fat Camp on MTV which led to Bug Juice on Disney…. haha…

Well, i’ve decided to back away from friends for awhile… If i can be pushed aside so easily, i’ll just go away on my own… but on the up side, a few friends that i havent been close to lately have been there for me… and im liking someone… he’s a good guy from what i can tell, he makes me giggle, and he isnt a jerk face… Shane-cicle… :] so things are looking up i think…

its Halloween time, and this is my favorite time of year… favorite season, favorite “holiday”… went to a party today… lots of fun… i was a pregnant cheerleader, haha… well, My mom’s birthday i coming up, i think ima take her to see Jeff Dunham on the 28th… i showed her youtube clips that Shane sent me, and she laughed pretty loud… plus we are getting our tattoos also… :]

i think thats all for now…<333

So, yesterday… I saw my bestie with his gf at school, while i was hanging with a friend… So, i decided to call him and be all happy that he’s holding his new girlies hand and whathaveyou… Please tell me, that the whole time i watch him check his phone, ignore the call, and keep walking… I saw him do the whole thing… who does that???… and my friend was just laughing at me… this person who is supposed to be my best friend ignores me…

things wont change??… yeah right… saw this one coming…

and i was having such a good day too!!!… he ruined it by being a jerk… i hate people like that… blerg. my brother made my day even worse by calling me a bitch. so i told him i wish he would just study abroad already… and this is where he said “AT LEAST IM DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE!! WHAT ARE YOU??… AN ART MAJOR??… WOW!! GOOD JOB!!… OH KRYSTINE PLEASE DRAW ME A PICTURE!!”… ((all sarcastic if you didnt realize that…)) i never cried more in my life… i can’t help it if i suck at everything else… i can’t help it if im not “book smart”… Art is the only thing im decent at… give me a break… horrible.

anyway… today i came home sick… i was in my drawing class and got super dizzy and nauseated… all bad. but in photography we took out the view camera and developed our 4×5 negatives… good fun… :]

 <333

somedays, love is all i want… no bullshit, full fledged love… i think im pretty deserving of it… ive been through enough…

 postscript: el bestie got a gf… here we go again… gonna lose another bestie to a bf/gf… it happens too often… i think God is trying to tell me something…

maybe i dont deserve love or friendship…

<333

playing with boxes in sculpture class is way too much fun.

today was agood day. im grateful.

<33

i wonder who my true friends are…

i got my mom, my bro, my asian, and my bestie… thats all… who do i trust?…

“friends” seem to just let me down all the time… im there for everyone… who’s there for me?…

<3