today i was rushed to my doctor… heart, chest, lung pain… outta control… I had an EKG, was hooked up to all these crazy plugs… And they took a bunch of blood… I told me grampa that they took my soul… but

thats when i realized more things about myself:

• I hate hospitals
• I gained seven pounds since March
• I also grew an inch
• I am now 5′3″
• I did this to myself
• I will be on medication forever now

 That’s what I know… My thyroid has gone bonkers… And this is where I ended up. Do you pray?… Give a little shout to Jesus for me…<333

Contrary to belief, I do not think I am hardcore. I do put up a barrier, yes. But…

What I do know is this:

• I do not trust
• I do not lie
• I do not think I am anything I am not
• I like to dance
• I like to sing
• I am bipolar
• I am depressed
• I am recovering
• I am heartbroken
• I am sick
• I am tragic
• I am a fairytale
• I am what you like
• I am what you love
• I am what you hate
• I love to laugh
• I hate to cry
• I will not let my guard down
• I keep candy stashed under my pillow
• I have an obese cat that I adore and hate
• I am constantly changing
• I am a girl
• I am very chubby
• I have a thyroid problem that makes me that way
• I refuse to take medicine
• I have heart issues realated to said thyroid problem
• I could have a heart attack any day now
• I am in constant pain
• I can hide that from you
• I hate my look
• I love my hair
• I love the fact that I have freckles only on the right side of my face
• I hate the fact that the other side has none
• I regret one thing
• I love love
• I still love him, too much, and I hate that
• I miss his hugs and kisses
• I miss love
• I would die without music
• I love my family
• I like being naked
• I have been hurt more than words can say
• I am nineteen
• I am a beautiful fucking disaster

 And that is what I know…<333

I’ve been feeling worse and worse as these months go by… My heart and lungs seem to want to give up any day now… Today I did not go to my classes. My chest hurts so bad. My heart feels like it is jumping inside of me. And my lungs are acting as if they do not want to expand anymore. My organs have gone lazy on me… I did not go to school because I’m afraid that walking up 5 sets of stairs would make my heart just go insane. How shitty is that?… To be afraid of having a heart attack in a college… Fuck that.

And it has come to my attention, more than once I should mention, that I put up walls and barriers between myself and others… Yes, I am aware of what I do… I do not trust people. If I do not know you very well, I will not let my guard down. And, yes, I do joke a lot… Yes, it can be hard to tell when I am serious… But you will know. And if anyone finds that annoying, you will not like me. We will not be friends. End of story. I am who I am.

I am bitter. I am a bitch. And I’ll probably die before you. I’ve decided to stop caring.

<333

 i want to see this sooooo badly… it looks amazing… i love the beatles… kinda nervous to see if they butcher the songs though…

Wes Anderson is an amazing writeer/director… i love all his movies… and i can’t for this one… im not like a Wes junkie or anything, dont know much about him, but i have all his movies… so i cant wait to see this…

 <333

man vs woman = fun

man vs man = gay

woman vs woman = awesome

man vs pillow = crazy

pillow vs pillow = crazy awesome

thats a real pillow fight right there… when you see two pillows fighting, you know something is going down… they’re designed for relaxation… if they’re fighting, what hope do we have?…

i love demetri martin… <333

On Thursday when we developed our 4×5 negatives, we had to do it in this pitch black room… it was crazy… so it was me, miles, charles, and jesi… in this tiny room… add awkward silences here…. lol… anyway, we started to make small chit chat… favorite movies, shows, all that jazz… then me and jesi were talking about the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we just ate… then this voice in the darkness says “FUCK JELLY!”… i have never laughed so hard… it was hilarious to me for some reason, that miles would have such a strong hatred of jelly that he would yell into the darkness “fuck jelly”… so, we decided that he was a Smucker’s taste tester when he was a child, and he was that one tester out of the five that didnt like it, haha… but it was good fun… then we were talking about movies… Heavyweights led to Fat Camp on MTV which led to Bug Juice on Disney…. haha…

Well, i’ve decided to back away from friends for awhile… If i can be pushed aside so easily, i’ll just go away on my own… but on the up side, a few friends that i havent been close to lately have been there for me… and im liking someone… he’s a good guy from what i can tell, he makes me giggle, and he isnt a jerk face… Shane-cicle… :] so things are looking up i think…

its Halloween time, and this is my favorite time of year… favorite season, favorite “holiday”… went to a party today… lots of fun… i was a pregnant cheerleader, haha… well, My mom’s birthday i coming up, i think ima take her to see Jeff Dunham on the 28th… i showed her youtube clips that Shane sent me, and she laughed pretty loud… plus we are getting our tattoos also… :]

i think thats all for now…<333

So, yesterday… I saw my bestie with his gf at school, while i was hanging with a friend… So, i decided to call him and be all happy that he’s holding his new girlies hand and whathaveyou… Please tell me, that the whole time i watch him check his phone, ignore the call, and keep walking… I saw him do the whole thing… who does that???… and my friend was just laughing at me… this person who is supposed to be my best friend ignores me…

things wont change??… yeah right… saw this one coming…

and i was having such a good day too!!!… he ruined it by being a jerk… i hate people like that… blerg. my brother made my day even worse by calling me a bitch. so i told him i wish he would just study abroad already… and this is where he said “AT LEAST IM DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE!! WHAT ARE YOU??… AN ART MAJOR??… WOW!! GOOD JOB!!… OH KRYSTINE PLEASE DRAW ME A PICTURE!!”… ((all sarcastic if you didnt realize that…)) i never cried more in my life… i can’t help it if i suck at everything else… i can’t help it if im not “book smart”… Art is the only thing im decent at… give me a break… horrible.

anyway… today i came home sick… i was in my drawing class and got super dizzy and nauseated… all bad. but in photography we took out the view camera and developed our 4×5 negatives… good fun… :]

 <333

somedays, love is all i want… no bullshit, full fledged love… i think im pretty deserving of it… ive been through enough…

 postscript: el bestie got a gf… here we go again… gonna lose another bestie to a bf/gf… it happens too often… i think God is trying to tell me something…

maybe i dont deserve love or friendship…

<333

playing with boxes in sculpture class is way too much fun.

today was agood day. im grateful.

<33

i wonder who my true friends are…

i got my mom, my bro, my asian, and my bestie… thats all… who do i trust?…

“friends” seem to just let me down all the time… im there for everyone… who’s there for me?…

<3